11 April 2018

Kerana ego, aku lupa dengan siapa aku bercakap. Maafkan aku.

…………………….

Hari ni merupakan hari yang agak tertekan bagi ku. Adam tak sihat. Pada malamnya Adam tak mahu tidur dan asyik menangis. Dia langsung tak mahu menyusu. Aku jadi tak cukup tidur semalam. Badan dah mula sakit-sakit. Mana taknya, kejap mengiring ke kiri, kejap ke kanan demi menenangkan anak yang menangis tanpa aku tahu apa puncanya.

Adam menangis dan tidak mahu diam seawal pukul 4 pagi. Aku terpaksa bangun kerana apa jua yang aku lakukan, Adam masih menangis. I was stressed. So I went out the room and sat alone trying to ignore his cries. It’s cruel. I know. But it’s gonna be even worse if I didn’t separate myself from him for a while. I know that.

My husband had to wake up because of his cries. Aku berada di sofa waktu itu. Suami ku dukung Adam keluar dari bilik. Adam looked at me and cried again. And I looked at him and I felt the love again. So I picked him up, trying to console him. Trying to feed him even though he kept refusing. So I rocked him to sleep. He wanted to sleep if I hugged him. The time kept reminding me to get ready for school as I was gonna be late. So I passed Adam to my husband again and he cried. He cried so hard that he sounded like screaming. I hated listening to his cries but there was nothing I could do. I thought I had more important jobs.

Aku terus ke dapur dan aku terus masakkan bubur untuk bekalan Adam. Aku siapkan beg untuk ke pengasuh berserta susu Adam. Adam masih lagi menangis. Aku tenggelam punca. Tapi hati masih lagi berkeras dan sudah pun masuk ke zon marah. Aku diam dan pekakkan telinga dan terus mandi dan bersiap. Adam diam sebentar sambal matanya ralit menonton video omar dan hana. Namun, bila Adam ternampak kelibatku, dia kembali menangis. Dan aku bertambah tertekan.

Semuanya dah siap dan tersedia, aku ambil Adam dan tukar pampersnya. Aku susukan Adam. Dia mengantuk. Aku tahu. I asked my husband to leave school for a bit and take him to the clinic. But he gave me work related reason that just left me upset and angry. I felt like a loser mother. Aku hantar Adam. And I kissed him goodbye. His face that broke my heart even more. He looked as if he didn’t care if I was gonna leave him with the babysitter at all. I wonder if he thinks I don’t love him since I was pretty upset with him that morning. I don’t want my baby to think that, but I truly wonder if that’s the case. I drove to school with tears strolling down my cheeks.

Aku sampai di sekolah and cuba untuk melupakan apa yang terjadi. Terima kasih atas keadaan yang begitu sibuk di sekolah, aku dapat berlakon di hadapan rakan-rakan dan teruskan tersenyum sambil menyiapkan kerja-kerja. Skpmg2 dan guru bertugas. Juga guru di garisan penamat untuk aktiviti merentas desa.

Seusai aktiviti merentas desa, dan sewaktu aku menyiapkan kerja-kerja guru bertugas, pengasuh Adam menghubungi aku. She said, Adam taknak makan dan minum langsung. It was already 4 hours since I left him. Hati aku dah resah dan aku mula risau. Alhamdulillah, aku diberi pelepasan untuk pulang awal ke rumah pada hari ini. Aku terus ke rumah pengasuh dan menyusukan Adam. Kemudian aku bawa Adam ke klinik. Alhamdulillah, he did well. Doctor Cuma cakap, tekak nya bengkak dan mungkin itu puncanya dia taknak makan dan juga minum. So the doctor gave him medicine. Hopefully he would recover. inshaAllah.

I went home.. while driving, Adam menangis lagi. This time I just stared at the road. Aku stress sangat memandu dalam keadaan sebegitu. He refused to sit in his car seat. And aku tahu, kalau memandu sambil dukung Adam, ianya sangat bahaya. So I left him crying beside me and I kept on driving.

Sampai saja rumah, Adam langsung tak nak duduk bawah and once I put him down he screamed and cried. I had to take off my tudung and everything. Then I settled down with him. I fed him and he started to drift off to sleep. Alhamdulillah. But I was not in the mood already.

I was resting with him. Pumping milk while eating. Then I fell asleep. My husband got home. I was just upset with him that I didn’t even talk or respond much when he got back. It was just sinful lah I tell you.

Somehow I managed to be myself again and clear all the  thoughts. Alhamdulillah.

Now I’m happy with my life, again.

I don’t know the upcoming challenges im gonna face. I hope I’ll do better than this one.