Lovely Goddess; Cause Life is Damn Beautiful

Sometimes, aku rasa penat nak urus rumah. I admit, dulu aku bukanlah seorang yg rajin mengemas sentiasa. Tapi sekurang kurangnya, i want rumah yg bersih. I feel calm bila rumah bersapu and all. Tapi sometimes aku penat. Faham lah kan. Bila ada anak anak kecil yg memenuhi segenap ruang untuk membesar, beberapa cabaran menanti. Kadang aku letih. Kadang aku sedih. Kadang aku terasa aku manjakan sangat diri sendiri. Like ye ke aku ni penat? Ke aku mengada jer? Camtu lah anggapan aku.

I'm glad that she's happy. I really do. But i stilk cannot forget how she ignored my sadness. I get it. She has so much going on with her life. And i dont want to be the one who caused her any pain. Cause i want her to be happy.  I made my decision and i am going to stick with it. I decided to be quiet. I dont want to be involved in any social media drama. I dont want the socmed drama to affect my life because from now on, i decide everything with Allah's guidance. That's all that matters. 

I've finally be able to type something. here is my story. my firstborn. muhammad adam naufal. i didnt thought nor i intended to fully breastfeed him. but when he was born i was super sad to leave him behind in the hospital and not be able to give him my milk. that was the day i thought i want to fully breastfeed this guy.  boy it was hard. it was really hard as i was struggling with my milk production. i wasnt a cow so milk didnt come as i thought it would be. i didnt have much so yeah. nevertheless i made it until he refused bottle. then i got pregnant and i knew i had to train this guy with cow milk but since he was already over one year old so i gave him fresh milk. he didnt drink formula.  so my second child i also didnt have the intention of fully breastfeed even until the day he was borne. i wasnt fully equipped. i only have my autumunz and it was a single pump. i wasnt really satisfied with it but i just used whatever i have. buying a new one was very expe...

I know right. It's only been 3 years of marriage. But I've known my husband for 8 years already. And there's so much to say and learn. An update; we had our second baby on April this year. It's a blessing. I hate to say this but I actually do sometimes compared my life with my friends and it's easy to fall into the self panic attack when you dont get to have the tick in your life just like your friends do. I'm a human and i do forget things. At times I forgot to be grateful. I wanted more things in life. And I wish there's a genie out there that can make my wishes come true in a snap. I do believe that Allah is a great planner and to feel the upmost content in life is what everyone's searching for. At the end of the day, it's not checklist of things we want to tick or cross so much. Its the feeling of happiness and knowing what I have is enough is all that matters. Of course there are plenty of things i would want in my life. In terms of mat...

Hey there. As much as I wanted to put this in my journal but you know. Having two kids is making things impossible to even sit down and write stuff. Oh how i miss those moments. I am just writing this because apparently i am no longer a fun human being. My life has shifted its focus centre and my life now is all about my kids. Without them i might have a meaningless life. Now that they're here i cant imagine my life without them..i love them very much. It's hard being a mommy of two. It's a constant struggle.  I struggle a lot. Up until now and will always be.. I looked for inspiration but it does not motivate me enough. My toddler is in his tantrum mode. If he didnt get what he wanted he would burst into loud cry and just laying on the floor. Still remember the night i had to stay in the hospital when my cervix dilation was just 1cm. That was our first time we were apart. Me and adam. He fell sick the next day. I felt so heartbroken just seing him. He couldn't sle...

Alhamdulillah. My parent's house may not be a mansion but this is a bliss. I am enjoying the plants that my mother planted. And the wind. While i am cooking the traiditional food, the peanut sauce. 

There are many things that i find people don’t understand me and what I’m doing. For instance, i asked my husband to bring me to tapah because there’s something i wanted to buy. He said, just go after work. I know. Sounds easy. It’s 15mins from my school. But. I cannot afford it. I cannot afford to leave my baby behind for a longer period of time. My baby depends on me to eat. Without my milk he cannot eat anything else because he only drinks my milk. I don’t give him formulas because my husband is opposed to that and i do have the intentions to breastfeed my baby until he’s two years old. It’s okay. Memang susah orang nak faham tapi tu lah realiti aku. Pendapat untuk bagi formula aku tolak mentah-mentah sebab niat aku memang nak cukupkan dua tahun. I guess it gives me the purpose. Tipu la kalau cakap I’ve never been depressed. Pernah. Mak mana yg tak pernah. Anak2 menangis sebelah telinga. Tak tahu nak pilih anak mana nak pujuk dulu because I’m afraid of putting the image of mama...

Well, there exist some people who think that raising a child or children is easy. Well, it’s not. It’s not like having a pet. It’s nothing like it at all. People only see the cute sides of babies and the parents are the ones who know the truth about how difficult things are. And no one can be fully prepared in order to raise a child. You get through it one step at a time and you are learning different things at the same time.  Who hasn’t had the experience of a screaming child in the car while you’re driving. And it’s driving the parents crazy and the tension keeps building up as the baby wont stop crying. Sometimes you need to pull over and comfort them and only to find out that they only want to sit on your lap which is an impossible task to do because you need to focus on driving. It’s crazy I’m telling you.  Sometimes, they cry for no reason. And it’s even more frustrating because they can’t talk. As a human being even though I’m a mother, i have my limits. Sometimes it is...

Lots of stories to tell yet no one is listening. But it’s okay. This is pretty much normal.  My baby boy, adam. He can’t stand if my husband and i would be goofing off and we raised our voice. He would jump in the middle and screamed and turned his head left and right showing disagreement. Sometimes he would hit me if he saw his daddy hit me. (Not till causing injuries. Read:goofing around) Just now that’s what happened. When he hit me, i pretended to cry. I showed him my sad face and kept on pretending. He suddenly stopped and looked guilty. He then made his whining cry and started to roll on the floor. I kept on pretending and then he came to me and hugged me. It’s a feeling i cant describe. Best moment ever. 

I uninstalled my whatsapp today. Cuz i was so freaking sad. What happened was, i was telling a friend of mine about my conflict and she only commented, haha.  To me it was sad. But how come it’s funny for her? And to reply haha and just that. Nothing else. I was there whenever she needed someone to listen to. And she wasn’t there. 

Alkisah hari ni, kami ada kenduri di kuala kangsar. So keluar rumah awal, breakfast pun di luar semua. And selamat tiba di destinasi lah. It was my husband’s ex yang kahwin sebenarnya. Tapi that was long long time ago. So macam lantak lah kan. Pergi sebab my in laws pun pergi. Jiran opah suami.  Bila dah tiba di destinasi, we all went lah dengan mak yang semua. Aku ambil nasi. Tapi nasi tu tak kena dengan selera aku sebab nasi tu ada jintan seketul². Like urgh. So aku tak habiskan nasi.  Habis kenduri kitorang lepak je dekat rumah opah suami. Lepak lama sangat. Mula nya plan nak ikut ke rumah opah cu. so kitorang tunggu la. Tunggu punya tunggu. Sampai aku pun naik kebas bontot sebab tak ada benda nak dibuat (line telefon pon takde oi; no service). I kept on pushing my husband. Bila nak gerak. Jom la. Tapi dia dok cakap sikit lagi. Aku pn hmmm jelah. Sabar lagi.  Then i asked opah lah. Opah nak pergi ke tak rumah opah cu? Then she said, tak pergi dah la sebab opah cu dah d...

I guess there is a silver lightning of differences between husband and wife.  Dah lama sebenarnya aku tak cuci master bedroom punya bilik air. I am taking my own pace sebenarnya. So lepas cuci i asked memang rasa puas hati la. Sebab segala kekotoran di dinding tu semua dah takde. Being a proud housewife kan i asked my husband la. Bersih tak bilik air? He was like, hm boleh la. Ehh whaaaatt?? The difference was huge I’m telling ya. Bukan lah sekotor kedai mamak tu tapi mata aku tetap nampak segala kekotoran di dinding. I guess my husband didnt see it sebab tu dia mcm tak leh nak beza sangat before and after. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄  Bagus jugak kan dia tak dapat detect. If not aku rasa every day kena cuci bilik air kalau husband aku clean freak. Nasib baik dia faham keadaan aku. Even rumah sepah i couldnt do anything dia still okay. Kadang² tu aku yg jadi bebal sebab rumah sepah. Bila aku dah mengamuk protest² tu baru lah suami aku kemaskan rumah. Haha. If not rasanya he wouldn’t do it. He ...

I am just too lazy to make the sugar caramel for this kuih. This is my first time and as usual, i dont follow the exact recipe. Main bedal je tapi okay la. My baby likes it. Semalam cuba buat yg ada gula tu. and i used my brown sugar, it caramelised so hard that it sticked to the plate and I couldn’t take it off. It had harden. And i cant be bothered to clean off scrape everything so i threw away the plate as well. Lol. 

To be honest, there is not one day passed by that i dont feel tired. When i am home, there is always something to do. It’s good. The endless chores. I guess it’s good because then i get to sleep soundly at night because i will be tired by 10 already.  Sometimes i wanna cry. Because even though i am married and i already have a kid that keeps me busy, at times i do feel lonely. I really need a friend who is willing to listen to all my stories. I know. That’s what husband do. But then trust me, it’s different when you rant to a guy and you rant to a girl. It’s just different. I guess that’s why i get super upset when ones I thought who are my friends didnt respond to all my little stories about my life. I really really do feel upset actually.  This is just another heart breaking story of mine. 

My baby is being difficult today. Sebab? Sebab dia taknak tidur and bila dia tidur and terbangun, dia still mengantuk menyebabkan dia mengamuk and nothing can help to soothe him. Stress jugak lah memandangkan badan aku sakit. Nak jalan pun sakit  It’s 11.09 p.m. and he is now asleep. After refusing to be taken by me. Akhirnya dah tidur. And now it is my turn. Pinggang and my pelvic still really really hurt. Can walk but slowly and with the right way in order to reduce the pain. Bukannya totally hilang terus sakit tu. tapi bersyukurlah. Demi baby dan semua. Hehe. Alhamdulillah.  Jom tido. 

Kisah hari ini. 20.11.18 Cuti maulidur rasul jatuh pada hari ni, hari Selasa. Suami ajak la pergi ipoh sebab dia nak tukar barang kereta. So we went. On the way it was a very short business nak tukar barang kereta tu. tak sampai 15 minit dah selesai. Alhamdulillah.  Then we went to aeon kelebang sebab memang yang tu paling dekat. Ever since adam dah start jalan i no longer carry beg baby besar gedabak. Jadi lepas parking aku pun just insert lah adam punya pampers dua keping since last time dua kali dia berak kt aeon ni jugak kan and that time aku bawak satu je pampers. Haha. Padan muka lah jugak. So this time konon habis prepared lah bawak dua pampers letak dalam beg.  We had lunch. Makan apa semua. Adam tak makan sangat pun. But he drank plenty of water. Lepas makan kami jalan-jalan and last spot masuk kaison. Sebab dah dekat pukul 4 and suami ada urusan lain.  Masuk kaison beli barang this and that. Time untuk bayar. Suami tengah dukung adam waktu tu. ...

Morning. It’s dawn. I haven’t been writing much. I know. Today after watching a video from my favourite blogger I just feel like writing. I am now 3 months pregnant. Alhamdulillah. To be honest with this pregnancy I feel like everything is moving so slow. I want to fast forward the time if I could. Compared to previous pregnancy my life now is going as slow as it can be probably because I don’t have any anticipations like previously my husband and I lived apart so I was very looking forward for the weekend. It was full of activities and anticipations. This time, now that we have been living together weekend just means more time spent in bed. Because I was constantly sleepy. Even on weekdays. Especially during the early weeks of pregnancy. I was crazy exhausted due to adjustment in my body and my body is trying to care for the little baby inside of me. It was exhausting thus I was constantly in bed. This time is a little bit challenging because my son is still breastfeeding and he ...

Kronologi: Aku submit segala borang untuk pengesahan jawatan. Kemudian aku tanya the pic tentang pergerakan gaji aku. Dia jawab, selagi urusan pengesahan jawatan tak selesai, selagi tu la tak boleh nak uruskan pergerakan gaji. Aku bagitahu la dia. Kawan aku pun tak sah jawatan lagi tapi dia lulus je pergerakan gaji? After that dia jawab, ikut negeri. Me being stupid aku pun balas, oh, okay. And i left.  Aku still macam pelik la. Kenapa pulak macam tu kan? So i made a call. I made a call to the ppd. Niat aku, aku nak tanya lah. Betul ke macam tu. Aku takde la pulak cakap apa-apa. Aku just nak maklumat pengesahan je. Betul ke kalau belum sah jawatan gaji tak naik? Kalau betul macam tu kenapa dua tahun lepas, aku masih belum sah jawatan, gaji naik macam biasa? Ada tempoh ke? She said, dia tak tahu. Kerja diorang di ppd just key in maklumat je. And she asked me to ask the pic. Before she hung up dia tanya la sekolah mana? Nanti dia akan call dan berurusan dengan pic tersebut....

This morning I saw the news that went viral. The babysitter claimed that the baby was taken by stranger who got into the house. So the parent viraled the picture seeking society’s help in finding their baby. Somehow the police said the statement made by the babysitter was very vague. So they searched the house. The baby was found dead and be kept in a fridge.  Can you believe how cruel is this? As a mother every morning when I go to work it just kills me that I need to send my baby to be taken care of by someone I do not know of. It just breaks my heart seeing him cry when I go to work and this happens not every morning but when he does, I am worried sick at work.  Kalau ikutkan memang. Semua ibu kat dunia ni nak jaga anak sendiri. Takde ibu yg nak for something bad to happen. Walaupun ada. Tapi kebanyakkannya memang nak anak tu membesar depan mata. Meskipun kadang-kadang semua ibu ni ada love hate relationship dengan anak masing-masing. Haha. I am speaking about me ...

Entry 24.6 Whenever i wanna tell dearest friend about my problems, there are doubts and thoughts. First, i think of will my problems burden my friend? Second, i know that whining about it wont give me solutions and it will create more problems.  So, instead of telling my friends about my problems what i always did was finding motivational stories. And i pent everything inside. I didnt tell anyone in the end.  It’s not that i dont have dearest friends who dont mind listening to my problems, i just think that’s me. That i feel ashamed of my problems and i feel like my problems are smaller than the others and i should just settle things my own way.  To my friend shidah, it’s not that i dont wanna share it with you. I just dont share it with anybody including my husband. 😂 However i feel i keep everything inside or i would rant it on twitter or WhatsApp status. Sometimes i feel like my brain is so full of thoughts and unsolved problems and i just wa...