Lovely Goddess; Cause Life is Damn Beautiful

Earlier today was a bit awful. There's just a lot going on in my mind and someyimes I find it exhausting. I don't really hate my life .In fact I love my life eve though it is not perfect. I took a leave today despite work is mounting my desk .I had to care frf my baby. His babysitter was away today . I scrolled down my WhatsApp and I reread the conversation between my college mates .they were discusidis about the confirmation job. Which I haven't done anything. So I talked to a friend of mine and she said that once I printed out the Surat pengecualian ptm the kerani should ask me to fill in two forms .I had given my kerani the Surat a long long time ago and she didn't do anything. So I called the ppd bahagian unit perkhidmatan and the person in charged told me that I needed to download the forms from the spp portal and I didn't know. My kerani didn't know .I was furious lah .Ni bukannya bidang kuasa Aku .she ahould have known lah Kan dia kerani kot. I print

Kerana ego, aku lupa dengan siapa aku bercakap. Maafkan aku. ……………………. Hari ni merupakan hari yang agak tertekan bagi ku. Adam tak sihat. Pada malamnya Adam tak mahu tidur dan asyik menangis. Dia langsung tak mahu menyusu. Aku jadi tak cukup tidur semalam. Badan dah mula sakit-sakit. Mana taknya, kejap mengiring ke kiri, kejap ke kanan demi menenangkan anak yang menangis tanpa aku tahu apa puncanya. Adam menangis dan tidak mahu diam seawal pukul 4 pagi. Aku terpaksa bangun kerana apa jua yang aku lakukan, Adam masih menangis. I was stressed. So I went out the room and sat alone trying to ignore his cries. It’s cruel. I know. But it’s gonna be even worse if I didn’t separate myself from him for a while. I know that. My husband had to wake up because of his cries. Aku berada di sofa waktu itu. Suami ku dukung Adam keluar dari bilik. Adam looked at me and cried again. And I looked at him and I felt the love again. So I picked him up, trying to console him. Trying to feed

It’s 5.40 p.m. and I’m in bed right now. Not sleeping. I guess that’s obvious. I just watched a little bit of my favourite blogger’s video. She did a vlogz about a sneak peek on her life. Have you ever wondered that what are the reasons that your life is as what it is now? Like, is it meant to be or is it just what you deserve? I always have this thought. Sometimes I thought it is meant to be. Sometimes I also have this thought that I deserved all these because I didnt work hard enough or I had made a bad decision. It is hard for me sometimes to pull myself from that ‘dark’ side of me but alhamdulillah I managed to get through. I am living my life in a bliss. I am grateful for what I have now. And yes I wanted to have more than what I already have. That’s because I need to move forward. And work hard for a life that I want. I want to own a house. And I hope Allah will lead and ease me the way. Aamiinn. 

i feel like the devil inside of me is coming out. maybe because of this tiredness and lack of sleep. and here i am blaming other factors when maybe it's just me to be blamed for. i am disgusted with myself right now. i shouldn't feel the way i felt just now. and it just, i hate it. i guess i dont know how to be around people. i lose control. i prefer my small circle of friends. maybe i should just stay away a bit. and just focus on whats need  to be done.