Lovely Goddess; Cause Life is Damn Beautiful

My baby is being difficult today. Sebab? Sebab dia taknak tidur and bila dia tidur and terbangun, dia still mengantuk menyebabkan dia mengamuk and nothing can help to soothe him. Stress jugak lah memandangkan badan aku sakit. Nak jalan pun sakit  It’s 11.09 p.m. and he is now asleep. After refusing to be taken by me. Akhirnya dah tidur. And now it is my turn. Pinggang and my pelvic still really really hurt. Can walk but slowly and with the right way in order to reduce the pain. Bukannya totally hilang terus sakit tu. tapi bersyukurlah. Demi baby dan semua. Hehe. Alhamdulillah.  Jom tido. 

Kisah hari ini. 20.11.18 Cuti maulidur rasul jatuh pada hari ni, hari Selasa. Suami ajak la pergi ipoh sebab dia nak tukar barang kereta. So we went. On the way it was a very short business nak tukar barang kereta tu. tak sampai 15 minit dah selesai. Alhamdulillah.  Then we went to aeon kelebang sebab memang yang tu paling dekat. Ever since adam dah start jalan i no longer carry beg baby besar gedabak. Jadi lepas parking aku pun just insert lah adam punya pampers dua keping since last time dua kali dia berak kt aeon ni jugak kan and that time aku bawak satu je pampers. Haha. Padan muka lah jugak. So this time konon habis prepared lah bawak dua pampers letak dalam beg.  We had lunch. Makan apa semua. Adam tak makan sangat pun. But he drank plenty of water. Lepas makan kami jalan-jalan and last spot masuk kaison. Sebab dah dekat pukul 4 and suami ada urusan lain.  Masuk kaison beli barang this and that. Time untuk bayar. Suami tengah dukung adam waktu tu. tengah belek k

Morning. It’s dawn. I haven’t been writing much. I know. Today after watching a video from my favourite blogger I just feel like writing. I am now 3 months pregnant. Alhamdulillah. To be honest with this pregnancy I feel like everything is moving so slow. I want to fast forward the time if I could. Compared to previous pregnancy my life now is going as slow as it can be probably because I don’t have any anticipations like previously my husband and I lived apart so I was very looking forward for the weekend. It was full of activities and anticipations. This time, now that we have been living together weekend just means more time spent in bed. Because I was constantly sleepy. Even on weekdays. Especially during the early weeks of pregnancy. I was crazy exhausted due to adjustment in my body and my body is trying to care for the little baby inside of me. It was exhausting thus I was constantly in bed. This time is a little bit challenging because my son is still breastfeeding and he

Kronologi: Aku submit segala borang untuk pengesahan jawatan. Kemudian aku tanya the pic tentang pergerakan gaji aku. Dia jawab, selagi urusan pengesahan jawatan tak selesai, selagi tu la tak boleh nak uruskan pergerakan gaji. Aku bagitahu la dia. Kawan aku pun tak sah jawatan lagi tapi dia lulus je pergerakan gaji? After that dia jawab, ikut negeri. Me being stupid aku pun balas, oh, okay. And i left.  Aku still macam pelik la. Kenapa pulak macam tu kan? So i made a call. I made a call to the ppd. Niat aku, aku nak tanya lah. Betul ke macam tu. Aku takde la pulak cakap apa-apa. Aku just nak maklumat pengesahan je. Betul ke kalau belum sah jawatan gaji tak naik? Kalau betul macam tu kenapa dua tahun lepas, aku masih belum sah jawatan, gaji naik macam biasa? Ada tempoh ke? She said, dia tak tahu. Kerja diorang di ppd just key in maklumat je. And she asked me to ask the pic. Before she hung up dia tanya la sekolah mana? Nanti dia akan call dan berurusan dengan pic tersebut.  Lepa

This morning I saw the news that went viral. The babysitter claimed that the baby was taken by stranger who got into the house. So the parent viraled the picture seeking society’s help in finding their baby. Somehow the police said the statement made by the babysitter was very vague. So they searched the house. The baby was found dead and be kept in a fridge.  Can you believe how cruel is this? As a mother every morning when I go to work it just kills me that I need to send my baby to be taken care of by someone I do not know of. It just breaks my heart seeing him cry when I go to work and this happens not every morning but when he does, I am worried sick at work.  Kalau ikutkan memang. Semua ibu kat dunia ni nak jaga anak sendiri. Takde ibu yg nak for something bad to happen. Walaupun ada. Tapi kebanyakkannya memang nak anak tu membesar depan mata. Meskipun kadang-kadang semua ibu ni ada love hate relationship dengan anak masing-masing. Haha. I am speaking about me though. 

Entry 24.6 Whenever i wanna tell dearest friend about my problems, there are doubts and thoughts. First, i think of will my problems burden my friend? Second, i know that whining about it wont give me solutions and it will create more problems.  So, instead of telling my friends about my problems what i always did was finding motivational stories. And i pent everything inside. I didnt tell anyone in the end.  It’s not that i dont have dearest friends who dont mind listening to my problems, i just think that’s me. That i feel ashamed of my problems and i feel like my problems are smaller than the others and i should just settle things my own way.  To my friend shidah, it’s not that i dont wanna share it with you. I just dont share it with anybody including my husband. 😂 However i feel i keep everything inside or i would rant it on twitter or WhatsApp status. Sometimes i feel like my brain is so full of thoughts and unsolved problems and i just wanted to scream

Hi. Assalamualaikum. Dalam post sebelum ni aku ada cerita pasal how bad i was as a mother right. Ok. Kalau tak ingat aku ingatkan balik. Minggu lepas aku pergi temujanji bulanan anak aku. Bila nurse tu cek and everything dia cakap anak aku kena refer doktor. Sebabnya dia tak boleh nak lambai tangan bila kita lambai kat dia. I didnt know ni adalah termasuk dalam saringan yg dia nak uji untuk perkembangan bayi umur setahun. Selain lambai, anak aku jugak tak boleh temukan dua objek. Dan bila nurse tu buat tepuk-tepuk dekat depan dia, dia buat dont know jer. So cut story short, dia kena follow up lagi untuk cek perkembangan dia. To be honest. Aku rasa aku banyak abaikan anak aku. I am too focusing on how to instead of actually doing it. Contoh nya ibarat aku ni sibuk mencari dan membaca manual tanpa aku buat sebarang praktikal. Tak ada keseimbangan. Dan anak aku pun kena buat terapi and everything. Aku rasa macam failed parent sangat-sangat. Yelah. Kenapa dia jadi macam tu? Ok.

recently the result of egtukar came out. it was yesterday lah. what recently. reading the posts made me remember my old days when I had to spend my times apart from my husband. it was easy because I had really good friends. it has been seven months since I had been moved in with my husband. and to be honest I kept complaining this and that. I was constantly fighting with my husband because of small unimportant things. I hardly remember ever whether I feel truly grateful. after seeing people's posts immediately feel grateful to be able to transfer within my 3rd times applying. alhamdulillah. I am thankful towards Allah the almighty for blessing me with this time to be spent with my little family. when I think back. this is the life I have always wanted. so I should be grateful to be given this change to live my dream right? inshaAllah. may I will always be grateful. oh ya. I just wanted to rant a bit. last time I went for my son's appointment. it turned out my baby is

I have been wanting to write this for quite some time. It has been on my mind a lot. Since I have few or quite a lot experiences I can say, in this matter. The topic for today is, Millennium Mom and The Challenges. I feel like writing an essay for an assignment. Being a mother nowadays is totally different from the past when women just need to sit down and care for the babies or just picking leaves and fruits. It was such an easy task. They were not expected to hunt animals or do dangerous stuff like climbing trees or mountains. When we look back at the job of those women, and we compare it to these days, it just differs like the sky and earth. The differences are vast. Mothers nowadays are expected to work. Because in order to have a comfort living, they need to back up their husband and go to work. Of course there's also this feminism thingy and I'm just gonna scratch that. For me, it is tough being a mother in these days because there are huge responsibilities and exp

Earlier today was a bit awful. There's just a lot going on in my mind and someyimes I find it exhausting. I don't really hate my life .In fact I love my life eve though it is not perfect. I took a leave today despite work is mounting my desk .I had to care frf my baby. His babysitter was away today . I scrolled down my WhatsApp and I reread the conversation between my college mates .they were discusidis about the confirmation job. Which I haven't done anything. So I talked to a friend of mine and she said that once I printed out the Surat pengecualian ptm the kerani should ask me to fill in two forms .I had given my kerani the Surat a long long time ago and she didn't do anything. So I called the ppd bahagian unit perkhidmatan and the person in charged told me that I needed to download the forms from the spp portal and I didn't know. My kerani didn't know .I was furious lah .Ni bukannya bidang kuasa Aku .she ahould have known lah Kan dia kerani kot. I print

Kerana ego, aku lupa dengan siapa aku bercakap. Maafkan aku. ……………………. Hari ni merupakan hari yang agak tertekan bagi ku. Adam tak sihat. Pada malamnya Adam tak mahu tidur dan asyik menangis. Dia langsung tak mahu menyusu. Aku jadi tak cukup tidur semalam. Badan dah mula sakit-sakit. Mana taknya, kejap mengiring ke kiri, kejap ke kanan demi menenangkan anak yang menangis tanpa aku tahu apa puncanya. Adam menangis dan tidak mahu diam seawal pukul 4 pagi. Aku terpaksa bangun kerana apa jua yang aku lakukan, Adam masih menangis. I was stressed. So I went out the room and sat alone trying to ignore his cries. It’s cruel. I know. But it’s gonna be even worse if I didn’t separate myself from him for a while. I know that. My husband had to wake up because of his cries. Aku berada di sofa waktu itu. Suami ku dukung Adam keluar dari bilik. Adam looked at me and cried again. And I looked at him and I felt the love again. So I picked him up, trying to console him. Trying to feed

It’s 5.40 p.m. and I’m in bed right now. Not sleeping. I guess that’s obvious. I just watched a little bit of my favourite blogger’s video. She did a vlogz about a sneak peek on her life. Have you ever wondered that what are the reasons that your life is as what it is now? Like, is it meant to be or is it just what you deserve? I always have this thought. Sometimes I thought it is meant to be. Sometimes I also have this thought that I deserved all these because I didnt work hard enough or I had made a bad decision. It is hard for me sometimes to pull myself from that ‘dark’ side of me but alhamdulillah I managed to get through. I am living my life in a bliss. I am grateful for what I have now. And yes I wanted to have more than what I already have. That’s because I need to move forward. And work hard for a life that I want. I want to own a house. And I hope Allah will lead and ease me the way. Aamiinn. 

i feel like the devil inside of me is coming out. maybe because of this tiredness and lack of sleep. and here i am blaming other factors when maybe it's just me to be blamed for. i am disgusted with myself right now. i shouldn't feel the way i felt just now. and it just, i hate it. i guess i dont know how to be around people. i lose control. i prefer my small circle of friends. maybe i should just stay away a bit. and just focus on whats need  to be done.

Breastfeeding takes a lot of commitment. I am truly surprised i havent given up. May Allah gives me the strength to continue breastfeeding. Aminn. 

When i was young the energy level is amazing   Although I sounded old but I’m still young but not as young as i used to be. I realized now about my body is they truly need food when hungry. I’ll get sick if i dont eat wheny stomach is growling. Back then if that ill came to me id be just fine. I’ll eat then go to sleep the next thing i know i was fine. Now. I dont even have the time to have long undisturbed sleep. So whenever i got sick i am very annoyed. Huhu We went to kelantan last weekend. Today we just got back. We rented a hotel for one night only and the rest we spent it on the road. Kinda like a road trip. It was. Cause we travelled by car. To be honest if i were you ger id be fine. Now my body is aching everywhere. Even my butt feels sore right now due to hours of sitting.  My baby is sick as well. We both had cough. He got it even worse. He can barely speak. Like no voice dah. Everytime he cries soundlessly my heart crushed. It just heartbreaking. He is very very

Everytime I had to take a sick leave I was just feeling guilty about it probably because I kept thinking about those need to relieve me it's just such a burden to them. I'm taking a sick leave today because I am sick and most importantly my baby is having a high fever. Today I woke up at 5 because my alarm was blasting then I turned my baby and I just felt his body was very very hot so I took the thermometer that was nearby luckily and I just measured his temperature and it turns out quite high. So I immediately contacted my administrator to tell them that I am on a sick leave I had to. This decision that i have to make is very hard like I said I hate it When people have to relieve my class. The best part is nurse bagi aku time slip pukul 8-12. Aku balik pun pukul satu setengah Takkan aku nak masuk kerja satu setengah jam je. Tekak aku pun sakit gila. Tapi aku lapar. Okay. Jom nak gi drive thru lah.

When i dreamed about living together with my husband, i can never truly imagined how my life would turn out to be. Of course the imagination runs but i didnt feel it. Until the news that my application for transferring had been approved. It was thrilling and very exciting. And the holiday passed by.  The first few weeks i spent juggling wasnt easy. I felt like crying. I fought with my husband a lot. I couldnt enjoy my time spent with my family and i turned out to be very tired at the end of the day. I becaming a monster everyday. It's not fun anymore. Living like that. That's what i thought.  So i turned to a friend, and she advised me as well as giving me tips. I tried to follow, but then again, i kinda slipped out a bit. I tried.  Until last week.  It was a very exhausting day for me. It was Wednesday when we had our first extra curricular activities. I went back home really late. And after setling down and everything, i lay down in bed. My husband was tired

i'm taking some time off from my work. just for a little bit. this morning i came across my wedding picture. and now i kept remembering my baby. alahai, kesian anak mama. suddenly i remembered, holding my little baby. he was so tiny. when he was one month old, he has prolong jaundice. before we headed to perak, we stopped by at hospital seberang jaya for his appointment. the doctor needs his urine sample. so how to collect his urine? the nurses there connected tube to his penis and i just needed to feed him non stop. i was feeding him for some time.. and i kept on checking on the urine bag, there were too little. then i felt the hot water near my pants, turned out, it was leaking. lol. the urine even spilled on the floor and on to me. while this little guy, sleeping peacefully. now that he has lots to say, i miss him. semalam, i was super stressed with him. he just wants me. he didnt want to be put down. i was super exhausted at that time. now i regretted it.