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today, i felt hopeless after i asked the pupils to sit down and read the scrapbook that the other class made. 

i even hit two of my pupils really hard at their back until my hand was trembling and red. it hurts. i wonder how they must've felt. maybe it wasn't that bad because they kept repeating the same thing over and over again until i became fed up with their attitude. who won't? 

i've heard so much stories about them, some of them are from broken families, but there is nothing i can do to help their situation. i am way closer to them rather than the other class that i teach. 

even with me being angry all the time, they didn't see me as a fierce teacher, at all. 

physically, i am small. yes. one pupil of mine is way bigger than me but since he is just a kid, he sees me as a grown up, and also, whenever i give him the stare, he will be quiet. but for like one minute. that's it. 

i went home alone, because my room mate isn't around, and i was all alone at home and i played my favourite song and tried to calm myself, then i cried. 

the only person who knows i was crying was my best friend. luckily i have her and she listened to me. 

i was totally reflecting on what i did.. 

maybe, i started off wrong. 

i went to school, because it is a routine, it is my work. i never had the intention to go to school because i want to teach something to the pupils. 

niat. 

the saying is so true, everything starts with the intention. niat. 

if your intention is good, and with Allah's help, everything will be good. 

i started off wrong every morning. i woke up because i had to go to school. that is all i know. 

not that i want to teach something to the pupils. 

i had long forgotten the people i wanted to change, when i am also lost. 

T_T 

hopefully, everything will be better tomorrow.