what a life

For the past few weeks, I haven't been feeling good about myself. I kept describing and just putting down my own self, and I was doing the haters a favor, not that I know I have any, but if I have, they would be celebrating now. 

The thing is, I haven't been feeling grateful about the way things are now, which had turned me into a deeppppp depression. I felt like crying for no reason, I wanted to run away, I just became the 'not happy me'. I was obsessed and became upset for the things I don't have, and wild thoughts did come into my mind and the only person I told about when I was in the deepest depression was him and his response was, 'you're crazy'. hahaha

Yet, I wasn't angry at him when he said that, as a matter of fact, I did agree with him. 'you know, maybe you're right, maybe I am crazy, I should go see a doctor.' 

It freaked him out. hahahahaha.. I wasn't doing it on purpose but honestly, I did feel like going to the hospital and check what the heck was wrong with me? 

Then, one day, he came to me (on What'sApp of course), about a really bad news and it RUINED all the plan I had for next year, which was, getting married. I was pretty upset and he, even told me about it before I was going to sleep. We had a small fight and yes, we're okay now. 

After he told me about it, I imagined my life was basically ruined, and I wasn't gonna get what I wanted for next year. I cried then I fell asleep. 

I woke up the next day, telling my best friend about it and all she said was, be patient and keep praying. 

At first, when I saw her response, I was mad. I was angry. I told myself, 'easy for you to say, you have everything you've wanted.' 

By this, I realized, what is it that bothers me so much that it made me so unhappy? 

Then, I didn't know how, but after a while, I got a little bit positive about it. I kept telling myself, 'It is okay and it is going to be okay. After all, this was all planned by Him and I don't have to worry anything about it." The most calming words I told myself was, 'kalau ada rezeki, ada lah. kalau tak ada, it is okay. tahun lagi satu ada lagi. I am not going anywhere. benda kalau nak jadi, jadi. kun fayakun jugak.' 

I hold on to those words, 'kalau ada rezeki, adalah' 

When I was whastapping with my girls, and one of my girls talked about other girl's problem, and I wanted to type something really negative, but then I just changed my mind and put on positive words into it and I felt okay. I felt, it is okay to be positive. I don't have to be negative all the time.

Even the issue came out, my issue, and I was okay with it. I was really calm and answered with good reply that it is okay, rezeki Allah is everywhere. I have nothing to worry about. Gosh I'm in tears. 

Then I watched a video from bubzbeauty, the latest video from her is how to stop worry about money. 

Big time, I don't really have money issue. Probably I do have but it wasn't that big of deal. 

Then she gave me a lot of inspirational words and it just motivates me. That moment I realized, I hadn't been doing this for a longggg time. I used to copy down motivational quotes and every day, I went by with positive words. I left it since I left maktab. No wonder I felt all the negativity in me. meh...

Anyway, so I copied down all the words she'd been saying. And it gave me inspiration to be happy about my life. 

One of the things she said was, 'IF YOU ARE NOT GRATEFUL WITH WHAT YOU HAVE NOW, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU DESERVE MORE?' 

It is so freaking trueeeeee... 

So, from that moment, I appreciate things more. Maybe this kind of challenge will come again the other time and bothers me and I pray for me to be and stay positive all the time. :) 

Here is the advice for myself in the future;

1) STOP WORRYING ABOUT HOW OTHERS LIVE THEIR LIVES. IT'S THEIR LIVES! LIVE YOURS! 

2) STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT THINGS MORE AND MORE. IT GETS NOWHERE. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. 

3) ALWAYS, ALWAYS BE POSITIVE AND BE KIND TO OTHERS. 

Please dear future me, if you see someone else is being happy and at times you're not, it is okay. Say Alhamdulillah for them. And always believe that Allah is ALWAYS fair. You might get something better if you just be patient about it. 

I might wanted to rant more and it is gonna be heck a long post but I decided to stop here and make a new entry about it. 

Thank you for reading. :)