Love

Love is complex. Love is complicated. Love is happiness. Love is hurt. There are just so many definition of love. Well, at least for me if you ask me to define it.

Love and hate. The feelings that always conquered our life. We just cant run away from it. You can do something to stop these two feelings and that would be to stop living. Even schizophrenic has feelings.

My love life. It is too complicated right now. To be honest, i am in pain. I thought i wont be in this place anymore but here i am, in the pain room. It is suffocating. It drives me crazy.

This heart, it is too fragile now. It cant fall again. If it does, then it'll break into million pieces and there is no way to glue them back together. That is just how fragile my heart is right now.

I dont know if i should consider myself lucky or just plain unfortunate. I dont know where i am in that two categories. If people say, i get what i want in life then they are wrong. I hardly  ever.

I am just putting my thoughts into words so please dont mind if it is not making any sense to you.

Am i lucky? Am i unfortunate? Gosh i wish there is a fortune teller to tell me all these. But no, we aren't supposed to believe in that.

Is this fate? I am confused.

I would do whatever it takes for my love life. I am just that loyal. To me, my man should not be worrying about the money and what he can give me in terms of materials. I am just too independent and guess what made me this way? Experiences. Real bad Experiences.

All i need from my man is to love me unconditionally. Means, there he should love despite every inch of my flaws.

You know, i never thought myself as a beautiful person,outside.. never in my life. Ever since i was little, i was told i am not pretty. And guess what. It basically shaped my whole life. I was compared to my pretty little sister. She is fair,i am dark skinned. That was just how it was. And i swear, i dont think of myself a beautiful person physically.

But him. He.

He made me think i am the most beautiful woman on earth. Thats just how special he made me feel.

Until recently. The incident. Real bad experience for me that shook my whole principles of life. The definition of myself. It changed.

I now see myself as an ugly girl and every time i looked into the mirror, i see an ugly fat ass girl. I am not smart. I am not beautiful.

My definition of myself has changed and i turn into an ugly person as if now. Now i am ugly. Even if you tell me i am beautiful,i would never believe it.

Man,i must tell ya. He needs a lot more effort to make me feel beautiful again. I am just at the lowest point of my life . And i honestly dont know how to get back up again. Every time i look in the mirror all i see is an ugly girl that nobody wants. Like a piece of shit that people just throw away every single time.

I am just helpless right now. I hope he will find the way to help me get back up again. Because i really hope he is the one for me and never in my entire life will i be in love with anyone else. Not ever. It will just be him. He is mine and mine only. Hopefully.