Problems

Entry 24.6

Whenever i wanna tell dearest friend about my problems, there are doubts and thoughts. First, i think of will my problems burden my friend? Second, i know that whining about it wont give me solutions and it will create more problems. 

So, instead of telling my friends about my problems what i always did was finding motivational stories. And i pent everything inside. I didnt tell anyone in the end. 

It’s not that i dont have dearest friends who dont mind listening to my problems, i just think that’s me. That i feel ashamed of my problems and i feel like my problems are smaller than the others and i should just settle things my own way. 

To my friend shidah, it’s not that i dont wanna share it with you. I just dont share it with anybody including my husband. 😂

However i feel i keep everything inside or i would rant it on twitter or WhatsApp status.

Sometimes i feel like my brain is so full of thoughts and unsolved problems and i just wanted to scream so that whatever it is that’s inside my head will come out. But i know when i do that people will call me crazy and i am not. 

To be honest. I do have harmful thoughts and i keep wondering whether or not should i seek help. I dont know. 

Sometimes i dont even know what i want in my life. Like i need a plan. I need a book. I need a guidance. And i dont wanna just live day by day. I need my motivation. Like i need to achieve something on my own. 

Being a mother i know its freaking hard. Most of my time spent at home is equal to spending my time with my baby. I have no regrets living like this, but then i know that someday i will feel bored. And i dont wanna feel bored and give up on my family. I love my husband. I love my baby. 

See. I think my mind is super complicated.