d-day (in reply to a friend's post)

i'm stealing this little bit of time while waiting for hanim. don't know where is she right now. 

i felt like i want to blabber my thought somewhere about incident that happened in watson which i felt super annoyed, so i blogged it on my tumblr. then i came across a post from a dearest friend of mine. she talked about d-day. 

babe, if you're reading this, just letting you know, i feel the same way. even until now. i am so traumatized with watching newsfeed on facebook about my friends' marriage. lol.. 

what's different between she and i? she, is super calm about it. her reaction, she kept it inside her. she didn't show. me? totally different. i'll say what i want to say, when i want to say where i want to say. that's it. i'm an 'expresser' and sometimes i screwed things up because of this. 

at first, i couldn't even bear myself receiving my friends' wedding invitation. i felt sick. i felt annoyed. i was angry at myself. i questioned myself so much? why not me? why is it this thing does not occur to me? why do i have to wait? so freaking questions popped into my mine. i was really sad and depressed. i cried, i didn't eat because of this. hahaha.. funny. i feel stupid too. but it happened. true story. 

when my closest friends were getting married, i felt like, i didn't even want to be at their wedding. honestly. i couldn't bear. putting on a smile i didn't want to. smiling at people when they ask me when is it gonna be my turn? i felt like asking, why, you want to sponsor me is it since you asked so much about it? super negative though.

i am like that. i am negative and still working hard to be positive. and now, i am proud to say that, i don't feel like i want to avoid going to a friend's wedding. 

even my whatsapp group, we talked about marriage. 

i guess, this is the age where you're supposed to be married. ONLY if you have the chance to. or money to be exact. 

my mom always said, you want to get married, work first. you put your money on your wedding. that's what i was told. but nowadays i freaking like to talk back to my mom. haha. i even asked her, when she's married, she's not using grandfather's money at all, was it? of course, she kept quiet and there and then i knew the answer. then i just laughed it off. 

sometimes, i asked her, if you want to invite your so many friends so much, you sponsor my wedding lah... because my dad has too much friends and clients. yes! too much. one big hall maybe not enough. imagine hor, how much money must i spend on my wedding. BUT

i was going to wait until the right time to think about it. i had a conversation, or a discussion with him about how is it gonna be, how much money must we need for the wedding etc. but all the huge detail. we haven't figure out the small one. we just planned on what to do first. that is, the parents' meeting. lol. i hope it will really be on next raya.

so, enough with wedding talk. it's not all about marriage you know. there are people in this world who are not married and yet they're happy. there are also people, being married and not happy. it's just how you interpret your happiness la. if you think being married is gonna make you happy then do it. if you can't, like me, *roll eyes*, you just have to shift your interpretation of what makes you happy.

since i am super passionate about make-up, i spent a lot of my money on make-up stuff! lol. not thinking about getting married at all. and i am super happy. 

now, i can't wait to go back at my rental house and play with my makeup. of course, camwhore non stop after that. 

my advice, you just have to shift your focus... that's what i do right now. :)