bad day

i havent had a good cry lately. but then today everything is ruptured. basically, walls are coming down to me in my vision, my dream has collapsed. it was a horror to watch, it was a horror to see. it was terrible. i am writing figuratively. in case you wouldnt understand or the future me wouldn't understand. 

and so today, with the cold i had, i cried so much and it hurt. it hurt my head, it hurt my feelings, it hurt my eyes, it hurt my nose and it hurt my heart so badly. 

this relationship i have for four years, (reaching), i don't want to ruin it. ever. i do love him. i want only him. but every single time i offered a solution he kept saying, it's not gonna happen and there are millions of reason for him which i hated every fucking single one of them. yes, i am allowed to curse here. 

ever since day one of 2016 i had been so positive, until today. on the 25th, i broke down. i no longer have hope. i don't. i guess you can say that, my dream is ruined. i am not sure if i am strong enough to handle this but i will try so long as i am breathing. 

my only way of realizing that dream had been turned down by my dearest boyfriend and it is just, i only see the end of it.. 

he did ask me to wait. it is just that i no longer know how much longer i can wait.. but my heart says i should stay, my brain too actually. so i am making decisions not on my heart only. 

i kept my ego though. the fight didn't ruin my ego. i missed him so badly. but the ego kept telling me not to look for him. usually i will settle down and after i calmed myself, i'd call him. my heart goes for him anyhow. i am gonna call him. haha.