fatty AM

just now my uncle told me i got fatter. 

haha.. despite the honest remark he gave me, i felt useless, well, a bit.. then i quit blaming myself after seeing food. that is just typical me. i admit, that i gained weight. ever since i started working. hm, i wonder why. but then i start this love hate relationship with myself. 

there was once i was following a crazy exercise on youtube and what did i get? i almost fainted and i TRULY felt like dying. i could feel like my heart was not able to pump enough blood through all my body especially my brain and i was seriously felt like i didn't have enough air. 

it was desperately scary. i was desperate and scared. 

i even had the thought of, am I gonna die? 

that is true. 

luckily, i went downstairs and i was lying on the floor while my body tried their best to get the oxygen from the blood. i was dizzy. my room mate handed me a glass of drink and i got a hard scolding from her because i did such a crazy thing. 

from that moment on, i did not want to lose weight. if it means i had to feel that way, again, no freaking way. don't tell me to exercise. 

but, my work requires me to move around and i hate it the most when i climbed the stairs and i needed to have some time to gasp some air and relax before entering my class and starts teaching. that simply just means, i am not fit enough. 

so, i decided, well, stop wanting to be skinny, just appreciate my health now and try to improve it. 

my every day routine is not the same for every day. it just got different. some times we were told that we were to have meetings in the afternoon and i just simply didn't have the time to eat. 

what do i get? an empty stomach that led me to feeling dizzy afterwards. 

the conclusion is, i don't want to be skinny. if it is meant to be that one day i will be skinny due to inability to eat because of work, i would just accept it. 

i hope, in the future, i will accept my own self before wanting others to accept who i am. hopefully i will get stronger from this.